Anodyne
Saturday, May 09, 2020
 
May 5th, 3:48 a.m.
Elderly woman calls 911:
dead body in her car.
Police arrive, can't locate 
anything -- including the body.
No suspicious activity.
The woman's report
is based on a dream.
Everything is OK.

 
30+ calls re: UFOs
traveling north by northeast
over the I-magine Multiplex,
20653 Keokuk Avenue.
Later determined to be
SpaceX Starlink satellites,
passing silently above.
 
Report of a stuck cat
in the engine area
of a vehicle parked
in Whole Foods
Pinecrest's lot.

Officers retrieve kittens
from under the dashboard.
 
Tobacco Nest store,
6818 S. Route 83:
a male stole a box of Posh Plus
disposable vaping devices
& fled, c. 4:15 p.m.,
in a small, red
sport utility vehicle.
Thursday, May 07, 2020
 
Catfished online, a woman sent 
$573 to a person believed to be
an assistant to actor Johnny Depp. 

The woman said she contacted 
Johnny Depp's official Instagram account
& messaged who she believed 
to be Depp & his assistant.

She said she fell in love with Depp, 
and sent explicit photos of herself. 

She provided personal information
& was sent a picture of a completed passport 
so that she could fly to France
to meet Depp face to face.

She said she was asked for money 
because Depp’s own funds were frozen 
& told the money would be used 
to send a private jet for her. 

A greater amount of money was requested, 
but she sent all she had available.

Officers advised the woman, 64, 
not to provide personal information 
or send money to anyone online 
she does not personally know.

Wednesday, May 06, 2020
 
4:34 a.m: a resident
of the 600 block of G Street
reports several people
under her house,
placed there by Satan
who opened a portal
to the underworld.
Sunday, May 03, 2020
 
Thursday evening, callers tell police
of a drunken, naked woman
mid-block near Bernard and Willow.

Officers locate a woman
matching the description
sitting in the street without a shirt on,
and only a nude-colored bra.

The woman says
she doesn’t know
where her shirt is,
and sways and slurs
while speaking.

Officers note
a half-empty vodka bottle,
& she says she drank
half the bottle that same day --

arrested, charged
with public intoxication.
 
Keyed on a vehicle's passenger side:
phallic image, racial slur. Vandalism.
 
Police called to Lee Road Dollar General.
Dog in a locked parked car. Small, white
dog in a car. Air temperature of 55 F
& fog on the car’s back window
where the dog lies. Employees state
car parked for over 2 hours. Windows up.
Officers unlock it & call for a kennel.
Car's owner, 50, male, appears.
Says he went home, lost track of time.
Informed of danger leaving dog in a closed car,
cited for animal cruelty.

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